Break Free or Be Broken: You Are Called to the Wildness and You Know It
If you’re wondering if you can ever break free, you can.
If you’re wondering if you’re crazy because you can’t just laugh at office gossip like everyone else, without something inside of you wanting to scream “this is not my life”— you are not. If you’re wondering if you’re “unrealistic” because you need expression and passion even more than you desire stability– you are not.
You’re the free kind.
You’re marked. You’re cracked just a little bit and the air gets in now. You feel the call of the wind and adventures you long to have and can’t even name. You know you don’t belong in the world that demands you stay conventional and that secretly makes your brain crawl into a soft muzzy corner of your mind. That muzzy feeling feels comfortable and devastatingly wrong at the same time. It’s like letting go when you’ve gotten too cold in the woods— and you want to fall asleep– only you know that hypothermia can take your life that way, so you have to stay awake. Yes, you have to stay awake.
If you are wondering why you can’t just be like everyone else, it’s because you can’t. You were made with free blood and electrons that whir inside you like lights, whispers, promises, and a knowing that you long for places without walls or halls. You ache to say your name, your one true name, the one that lives in your heart even if you don’t know it yet. If you’re wondering if you could ever make it in the wide world without a plan or a clue or a grain of realism, an eye of newt or a sinew of an idea, you can. The ball of yarn is in you, it will unravel, it will thread itself into garments and destinies, it will lay down a path before you of bright warmth to be followed and it will never run out. It will weave a destiny for you if you grant it safe passage. It will take you all the way, when you follow your own true way.
If you wonder why you are haunted by the desire to walk on beaches and pick the shells that shine in the morning or ride on the back of a motorcycle around narrow roads near coastlines of faraway lands, it’s because the wild world always knows it’s own and always claims its souls. If you wonder why you want to feed children with dusty faces in hot countries while you can barely pay your rent, it’s because you know that what you are to do with your time on earth has nothing to do with your present circumstances, history, or the opinion of others.
You may know you were meant to heal others or write screenplays or paint because the truth always repeats itself until you listen. You may know you were meant to use the secret codes of technology to make the lives of others more expansive. You may know you came here to make a difference, and that, dear one, always makes you different.
Your Temptation is Your Ticket
If you know you don’t belong where you are, you are right. Your skin doesn’t itch with the need to be muted, but the need to be obeyed. The world that baits you is real. The secret life that flashes before your eyes are moon white seeds that will grow into forests of thick and powerful evergreens. Your temptation is your ticket. Your temptation isn’t a tiny spark meant to be stamped out before it catches fire and burns down what you really do not want, leaving you only your true red beating heart, warm and lively. Your temptation is your ticket. It’s your rite of passage. It’s your birthright. It’s your blood calling you with ancestry and with future. It’s your portal, your passport, and the hook that will fasten you to the big life beyond the big tent where some will say you are too big for your britches and you will know you are, even now, still growing. You cannot be content in places that dwarf your spirit, that douse your spark, that force you to bend down, speak softly and nod your head when you want to shriek your fury and desire and hunger. When you do not speak, the thousand stars that lay upon your tongue slide back down your throat only to be swallowed one by one, jagged, pointed and weighing more than planets. When we swallow the truth, we turn our bodies into graveyards.
When everything feels too small for you or too large but barren, it is not because you are missing some crucial gene, but because you have it. You are in the family of the free; you are in the lineage of the alive. You have come here to sing and dance and taste your days.
You are one of the ones who knows that your circumstances are not your identity and that the reality on the tongues of others is not the reality in your fluttering heart. You are of the tribe of evolution. You are of the tribe of the alive. You cannot settle because it is not your nature to duck when all of you is born to stand proud, run free and light the lives of others with your contagious light and the silver petals of your laughter.
You Cannot Eat Bread When You Hunger for the Moon
You cannot eat bread when you hunger for the moon– it will not fill you. Walls will not warm you when you shiver for the heat of your own bloodstream come alive when you stand in the one life you belong in. You cannot settle for a half life because it will hurt you more than no-life because it is no life for you, even while others praise your name. Approval won’t keep you alive for long, when self- rejection lives in your bloodstream.
Praise and money may pay your bills but not your rent here on earth. The landlord wants more from you and you know it. Really, you will evict yourself if you deny yourself for too long. You simply cannot just keep going through the motions, when the wildness is within you. It costs too much to live without living. You can suffocate in broad daylight; you can disappear while making friends, but something in you knows all this and will yet choose the light. You will find your way and you will find your own.
So yes, if you feel there’s something more for you, you’re right. It is not your woundedness that hurts you, it is your promise. It is the promise the universe made to you and you made to the universe. It is the thousand and one blossoms that live within one seed. And you have a thousand and three seeds in but one chamber of your heart and it is too much to bear, it is too much to deny. It is not your lack of life that torments you, it is the presence of your True Life. It is the sweeping magnitude that presses against your ribs and pounds within your bloodstream, it is the song, it is the song, it is the song you cannot hum, but yet it hums you and you feel the notes with every eyelash. It is the song you came to sing.
Tama
P.S. I have a self-loving suggestion for you: if you want daily inspiration, motivation, and reminders, come join me on my Facebook Fan page. In addition to my daily post, you’ll enjoy the love and intimate sharing that goes on there. Join us now and tell your friends and loved ones, too!
©Copyright 2012 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.
Break Free or Be Broken: … May 3, 2012
i'm not going crazy, my world is just cracking up. RIGHT?! May 3, 2012
you have chosen wisely…
do you ever feel torn between two worlds, one of which seems really really NORMAL? like settling down from all the moving around, getting a HOUSE, putting our kids in SCHOOL, leasing an ELECTRIC CAR and starting our own fun BUSINESSES?
and then there’s this other half of you–fully half, at least half, maybe even more than half, because it feels the need to make itself larger to make up for the fact that the other, more “normal” half is supported by 99.99999% of all the other people you know, information you read, etc.
leaving the trail–i don’t want to be SAHMbody!!!! November 4, 2011
i’m okay being a nobody. i don’t know who i am, and that’s okay!!!
i think wanting to be “somebody” was a clever temptation of the ego to strengthen itself and keep me distracted and caught up in the holographic matrix.
all my best to you!
if you’re interested in what the heck i’m talking about with the holographic matrix stuff & creating our own reality, you can learn more at robert scheinfeld’s site.
thanks and have the best day ever!
see you around the rabbit hole!
amanda
yay! here we go down the rabbit hole!
from SAHMbie to… PASTOR?! October 10, 2011
Okay, now I really feel like I’ve leapt off the deep end. I’ve had this thought bouncing around for a long time, but it’s actually getting so loud that I’m wanting to SHARE it with the world (even though I know it sounds nuts): I want to be a pastor.*
The crazy thing is that I’ve admitted some HUGE dreams. I wanted to be the next Julia Roberts, I wanted to start businesses, write screenplays… but this dream/calling/desire is *WAY* crazier. A female pastor? I was raised Baptist. We didn’t believe in that sort of thing. My granddaddy was a Southern Baptist minister. My other grandpa was a Northern Baptist missionary (i don’t really get the north/south thing or have any clue what the differences are. I just know Jesus wanted the church to be united as He & God are one (John 17)). My own dad was a pastor for a while before I was born. Yet somehow I don’t really think ANYONE in my family will be excited if/when I announce this career move.
My mama SO wants me to be an actress. We watched Entertainment Tonight *EVERY* night growing up. Not to mention Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous. Pastoral leadership just doesn’t hold the same glamour as Hollywood celebrity.
Daddy is pretty Old School traditional fundamentalist, or in other words NOT even remotely feminist. We listened to a lot of Rush Limbaugh in our house, so I believed that all feminists were “femi-Nazis” (I even used that term myself many times–cringe!–oh the days of ignorance!).
And my HUSBAND? what will he say? My 1st guess would be something about the finances involved in attending seminary, the unlikelihood of it all, the unrealistic-ness (is there a real word that says that) of it all….
The financial aspect is the kicker though. And a big part of why I want to go into the ministry. Christians in general (and I know this is a broad sweeping generalization!) seem to have a pretty unhealthy relationship with money (the Christians I know, that is), and certainly not the relationship I believe God intends for His children to have.
So anyway… We’ll see where all this goes. I just needed to get it off my chest and put it out there. Whew! I feel better already. Good night, dear void! 
*in the vein of Dr. Cindy Trimm, who is amazingly inspiring & empowering & on fire.
my little superhero October 8, 2011
This was taken at my new favorite home-away-from-home (and as SAHMs don’t we ever need plenty of those, so the “at home” part of our title doesn’t turn us into Jack Nicholson in The Shining!)–The Coop indoor playground in Studio City. With Free wi-fi so mama can reach out and touch SAHMbody while the kiddos play their little bumbums off! yippee!
Solving the Christian Conundrum–Should I or Shouldn’t I? October 6, 2011
is your creativity stunted by the contradictions between the artist’s life & the Call of the Kingdom?
do you feel guilty for doing things well, surrounded by the mediocrity of half-efforts?
are you ashamed of the nice, beautiful things you own, things that were made with excellence?
do you “play small” by buying cheaper things (clothing/food/furnishings/supplies), thinking it’s more godly to save your money for more “meaningful” uses?
isn’t the Kingdom of Heaven a place of exquisite, unsurpassed beauty, where each item, each detail, each life is a priceless work of art?
whatsoever is excellent and praiseworthy, right?
helping SAHMs make & keep more MONEY October 6, 2011
bari tessler, a mommypreneur who founded CONSCIOUS BOOKKEEPING in boulder, CO (which exists to help people get more aware of & heal their relationship with moo-lah), has put together a series of FREE videos to help us all get started on our journey toward financial health & freedom (the journey of a zillion miles begins with one step, right?).
to view the first of the 4 videos (i watched it this week and was so inspired! it gave me HOPE for the first time in a long time!!!), CLICK HERE!!!!
we as SAHMs need to take our finances back into our own hands, EVEN IF WE’RE NOT MAKING ANY MONEY OURSELVES!!! because even if our husband is the one bringing in the income, WE are responsible for our own relationship with money.
and if you’re anything like me, you could use *a little* help in that area!!!
best of all, bari’s a fellow CHOCOLATE lover!!!
Tag-Team Parenting: a Creative Solution October 6, 2011
Creative, non-conformist parents who don’t want one stay-at-home parent and one work-all-day parent, we have a novel concept for you:
take turns playing!
my husband gets straight to creativity (writing) first thing in the morning while i have a little snuggle time & get the children up, breakfasted, dressed, etc.
TAG!
he takes over with the munchkins while i get showered & ready & have a quick moment to myself and then we’re off… as a family, to embark on some adventure to something like a Peekaboo Playland with free wi-fi, where i have a blast getting the kids acclimated and getting all that just-arrived-and-ready-to-rock energy out. Meanwhile, hubster is out in the lobby writing away until…
TAG!
i now get to come check emails, post a blog, do some online research, catch up on the world beyond my small nucleus…
…and so it goes all day.
creative, unconvetional, fun, and a great way to keep your energy alive with the kids. you don’t have time to get bored or burned out, because just when things start to get hairy…
TAG! :)
